One More For Good Measure

There once was a man named Grimble

who thought of himself as nimble

he danced for the king

and in a wild fling

cut off his hair with a thimble.

An Evening With Friends

You know, nothing can be more relaxing than seeing old friends. A good Chianti, Italian food, a newly made guitar and some really wicked photo software should be a part of every social gathering.

What Sticks In My Mind=?

As Luther Therapy states: "Why did I build such an odd box? I am trying to figure that out."

I'm still trying to figure out many things-my sense of humor is one of them.

There are certain things I see once and they never leave the chaotic, dusty crawlspace that is my memory. Ask me where I put my keys less than five minutes ago, and I can't tell you. My wife told me that a Christmas gift (for us both) was in plain view in the dining room for months, but I am "so unobservant" that I never saw it. How true and how sad. But that's life as me. It ain't pretty, but imagine walking in my shoes every day. It would freak you right out.

When I saw Will Ferrell as Neil Diamond, it burned permanently in my brain. Will Ferrell is a really funny, funny guy and I'm a huge fan. He could play anybody in any sketch-even with bad writing-and still make it work.

I have had my eye on the two DVD set of Will on SNL, but I'm glad I read this on YouTube: "Unfortunately this great skit isn't included on either of the Saturday Night Live Will Ferrell Greatest hits Will Ferrell Vol 1 & 2. This is because Neil Diamond turned furious at Saturday Night Live and Will Ferrell for this impersonation. On those DVDs, however, you will get some excellent impersonations by Ferrell including Robert Goulet."

The Goulet stuff is equally sinful! Found this little bit searching fot the SNl stuff: This video has been removed at the request of copyright owner NBC Universal because its content was used without permission.

More stoof:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TCjZzWamztQ

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qn5DOARR5Xs

untitled

James Brown (and the summer of discontent)

When I heard of James Brown's passing, it reminded me of this little story. Please indulge. Thanks.

It was the summer of discontent.

The band hadn't broken up, but fragmented into a quartet. There was grumbling among the ranks, but musicians are keenly mercenary creatures.

At first, all was happy in "Crushed Velvet" quartet land. Four happy fish gladly rehearsing, composing and gigging. All was well.

All is never well for long.

I don't know why, but there was a sudden cold wind found blowing in my general direction. Arriving at rehearsal, it was announced that the band's name was changing. All three of the guys must have had some secret meeting or talk to suddenly want to change not only the name, but to change musical directions. I thought we were happy in our direction, but plans were changing and it was three to one.

One suggested adding more Robin Hitchcock songs and songs by bands that were the 80's equivalent of post punk. We listened to this music and all liked the music (Except me who thought it was not my cup of tea, but politeness prevailed and said nothing). I suggested adding more latin flavored originals. That suggestion was not greeted with much enthusiasm. Then, the main conspirator brought out James Brown's Greatest Hits. We listened to this music and afterwards, I was stunned. It was one of those moments.

"Well guys, what do you think?"

"I think we need to shave our heads and do nothing but listen to James Brown." I wasn't kidding. It blew my mind.

Like most folk, I had heard JB before, but this time something happened. Brown's music was so tight, so hot, and so funky, it literally devastated my musical landscape. When Brown performed, it was as if he was plugged into an electrical storm. He had so much passion and energy that it looked like he could catch fire at any second.

James ruled his band with an iron fist; often docking a musician's pay when he heard mistakes.

There are no democracies in a band. Someone is the boss. Believe it.

As it is well-documented, James at times had a tumultuous personal life that couldn't keep him out of trouble and the inevitable limelight. Great artist, but flawed human being. Separate art from the artist kids and you'll never have your heart broken.

Oh, the band? I hated the direction they were going in and the new name, so I bowed out as gracefully as I could. That's what was happening anyway-they were kicking me out. God love 'em. I can be a real pain and a strain. Just thinking about having to put up with me as a band mate is enough.

So, thank you James Brown for reinventing music, for making the funkiest music on the planet.

reading glasses between the lines

"I just can't stand all that Romantic music in the morning."

"You mean, Performance Today plays a lot of Romantic music?"

"Well, I don't really know, I'm here teaching during that time."

velvet, part two

pardon the indulgence
with elvis on the grassy knoll
he was the king

where's the missing footage?
lost in zapruder ether

these pictures have not been doctored
they are authentic


E was there
so was the VB

the velvet ones, part one

long, long ago

in a lounge far, far away

in a time now forgotten

was a band

they were nuts

disorganized

costumed

under-rehearsed

eclectic

brilliant

stupid

ahead of their time

authentic

cheesy

and i miss them like hell

a hundred years ago

What tender days we had
no secrets hid away
Well, it seemed about
a hundred years ago

The last time Charlie came in, we nearly missed each other. He and his girlfriend wanted to go to the Comedy Club. I didn't say anything to him about the place, but politely said I'd meet them afterwards. Well, an awkward moment and a long story short later, we got to meet.

Charlie truly has a razor sharp wit. The years have not dulled it either. The guy can make me laugh like few can. Here's an excerpt from his recent email:

Atheist guilt and why it doesn't work

Father: "Son, won’t you come to WV with me you know your Grandparents won’t be around forever.”

Son: "Yes, but then again all of our lives finite; your point? "

Father:"This is why atheist guilt doesn’t work; damn the eternal nothingness of the universe .”

I had to share this. You may cast your stones as you wish, but my old buddy Charlie sent this photo of us when were young.

Year? I'm guessing 75? 76?

Man, were we ever that young? Thin? and so cocky looking?

classical CD liner notes

Je suis le hack.

There are levels to writing that I will never be able to come close to. This is cheerfully accepted . There are no Mount Everests in these pages, no E=MC2, nay. Merely meat-and-potatoes observations by an average guy (quoting Stephen King) trying not to mess things up too badly.

To quote the poet thus againe:

Full of high sentence, but a bit obtuse;

At times, indeed, almost ridiculous—

Almost, at times, the Fool.

Most scribblers, bloggers and local scribes surely recognize when they are outclassed when they read passages from Dickens or Tolstoy (or insert another name from the Gallery of Greats). But, one has to marvel at the writing style/level of liner notes of classical CDs. They have the unmistakable pungent air found frequently upon the bucolic fields of bovines, which we may regard in the vernacular as cow patties. In short, there may be nothing more useless than classical CD liner notes, except the equally trying-way-too-hard jer-no-lism of popular music magazines.

For example: (talking about Schumann's string quartets) "whose atmospheric qualitites managed to formulate the disquietude of the "poetic" as something new: not in the sense of heroic defiance, but in the-still subdued-forms of crumbling pathos."

Huh?

File this under: I'm a big boy now and gonna make mama real proud by writin' all these perty werds.

OR: Since this is serious music written by a dead European composer whose name is already on the roster of names we must revere, I must write something which sounds like saying something; which I'm not. Perhaps no one will realize this if I obfuscate (Nice, yes?) any meaning with verbal diarrhea.

The string quartet, like the liner note dude, was trying too hard. It ain't Beethoven man, let up on the gas pedal.

Crumbling pathos? Crumble some more feta on my salad, salad boy and snap to it!

To quote a great man:

Chop, chop, pussycat!

For those who need their quotient of quotes

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0088258/quotes

Derek Smalls: We're lucky.
David St. Hubbins: Yeah.
Derek: I mean, people should be envying us, you know.
David: I envy us.
Derek: Yeah.
David: I do.
Derek: Me too.

TRUE QUOTE:"The first time Steven [Tyler] saw it he didn't see any humor in it. That's how close to home it was. He was pissed! He was like, That's not funny!" —Brad Whitford, Aerosmith (Spin, May 1997)

When I was interviewing an artist recently, I thought I'd be clever (There's a fine line....) and ask about Spinal Tap. I asked if whenever he was on stage, did he ever think about Spinal Tap, Nigel, et al? "No." was the clanging-like-a-lead-pipe-off-concrete answer. A real dud, that one.

A week or so later, in his online blog, he writes about the guitarist in his band leaving in a somewhat dramatic way. And in the middle of this post comes the golden words:

"this is spinal tap"

I envy me.

Yeah, I do.

Peter Boyle

Peter Boyle

http://tv.msn.com/tv/article.aspx?news=244850&GT1=7703

Stocking Stuffers

Get off your cynical horse and get hoppin' out there in shopping land! Get those music lovers in your life some cool discs. I submit these for your kind consideration.

1. C.P.E. Bach: Symphonies 1-4/Cello Concerto in A with Andrew Manze, the English Concert

Yes, I actually like what I play on that "other show". If there is someone in your life that could appreciate this style of music or could grow to appreciate this, this disc is a winner. Andrew Manze and the fab-o English Concert are setting the gold standard of our times for this style of music. These are not boring academic performances, but performances that sound like the musicians are really having a good time playing old CPE. How could that have happened??

2. Nine Horses-Snow Borne Sorrow

Quite simply, one of 2005's best and one of Sylvian's best as well. Engrossing, innovative music matched with great lyrics. This is great music with a brain and a soul.

3. Novelle Vague-Bande a Part

What could be a musical joke-take 80's pop songs and arrange them with a 60's-bossa nova-lounge twist-becomes great music. Fun, ironic and downright sweet.

4. Kekele: Congo Life

I am new to these cats, but this album has some sweet music on it. Know anybody with an ear for world music? This is a good choice.
Is there any better Afro-Cuban harmony on the planet? Unlikely.

5. BT: This Binary Universe

For electronica fans
of the listening variety (I hate to say space music because that is such a baggage laden cliche.), BT is a solid choice. This is no mere bleeps and blips music, but well-crafted music. He's currently on tour with Thomas Dolby (Ye olde ones remember "Blinded Me with Science"?).

6. Astro Bar-Various Artists

Hands-down and one hand in the air, this is still the best little compilation of chill out music that I've heard. Water Music Records

7. Dom F. Scab-Binary Secrets

Electronic music, which may have the latest technology, but sounds warm and analogue old school to me. This is the stuff of exquisite sequencers percolating echoing synth lines that speak of contemplation of the celestial evening sky.

8. Gabriela Anders-Last Tango in Rio

If you want an album that sets a romantic mood, then baby, this is the one. Anders may not be the most gifted in the vocal department, and I don't mean that in mean way, but her delivery rules.

Others: Ursula 1000: Here Comes Tomorrow-Perfect urban party music. Brazilian Girls: Talk To La Bomb-BG album two is a little harder edged, but still a worthy follow-up to the debut.Urban Legend: tranquilidad cubana-more like an ep, but this reggaeton stuff is addictive. Joseph Arthur: Nuclear Daydream-Crazy Jo can sure write 'em. Memorable lyrics, great hooks and bear-your-soul singing. Good stoof.

I am the pickiest listener, but these may give you some ideas. Post your own!

The Wire is over

HBO's The Wire, Season Four, is over. If you missed it, I both envy you and feel sorry for you.

The Wire is one good reason to own a TV and put up with cable's high prices.

The Wire makes the argument that the best writing is on HBO.

Do yourself a favor. When you get the time, rent this series from the beginning.

Wolf At the Door

Be careful. There could be a wolf at your backdoor.


(Or a Wiggle Pie).



Or even a Blue Witch!

KLS Again!

Why I rule: because I'm sometimes, not always, ahead of the curve. Just kidding, but man, sometimes it's as if this stuff happens right after I blog about it.

When celebs act all precious and feud, I call it KLS: Kathie Lee Syndrome.

Clay Aiken and Kelly Ripa have now joined the ranks of those celebs who suffer from KLS. You can't make this stuff up: (my stuff in red, ok?)

NEW YORK — Kelly Ripa's definitely not a Claymate. (Hardy har har)

The talk show host went off on Aiken Monday morning on Live with Regis and Kelly. Ripa saying "I don't think he was respectful in any way." She said Aiken was hostile toward her when they shared co-hosting duties on Friday's show.

What hath Sir LightLoafe done? Ok, did he act disrespectful? I only saw a short clip, but maybe he was being a bit too familiar. There is an unspoken thing in radio where, if you are co-hosting with someone, you try to pick up your fellow host's fumbles and run with it. You always try to make each other look good. There also is an issue of partnership-one that has been established with Regis.

But disrespectful of not, just like her famous and disease founding predecessor, Kathie Lee, Ripa now sees herself as a TV diva. This is a shame because I really thought Ripa didn't take all this TV host stuff seriously. (If you want to really see how far afield Gifford has gone, please go here. Jesus. Narcissism on a nuclear level!) Ripa read this: sic transit gloria mundi (and so passes the glory of the world). Get over thyself.

She especially took issue with Aiken putting his hands over her mouth during an interview. She said you don't do that, even if it's for a laugh.
Ripa told Clay his actions were a "no, no," adding "I don't know where that hand's been, honey."

Let's address two things here. There was a program that researched the Reg/Ripa show and found that Ripa has done this same thing to Regis twice. That is, put her hand over his mouth. The whole "where that hand 's been" was a jab at Aiken's little secret and a slip-up on her part. Luckily, it was vague enough to get her out of PC hot water. Good going, morning Diva, Kathie Lee was cheering during that one!

Regis said he's shocked the pair didn't hit it off, saying, "In my wildest dreams would I ever think that one day you would have a feud with Aiken.

-Reg was shocked two Divas wouldn't get along? How naive is this dude? Get them both a saucer of milk NOW!

On The View" Tuesday, Rosie O'Donnell said Ripa's remark about Aiken's hand was homophobic. Aiken has been dogged by speculation about his sexuality but he's never answered.

-Thanks Rosie for A. making a jackrabbit out of your precious self again for our amusement and B. for letting the cat out of the bag. If there was any doubt before, there ain't none now.

In a call to "The View" Tuesday, Ripa blasted O'Donnell's comment as "outrageous." She said Aiken's actions were disrespectful and unprofessional -- and that he was spreading germs, since he'd just shaken hands with a lot of audience members.

You can't make this stuff up.

?

I won't add to the shame, but I still can't believe what I saw from that video. You'd figure that an old pro like Richards could handle some hecklers and not go racially ballistic. Ugly x 110.

The Laugh Factory's following press conference was one of the most mishandled press conferences I've ever seen. Total disaster from start to finish. Fiasco is not strong enough.

Then the "apology" on Letterman elicited laughter from some audience members. Seinfeld came to his friend's defense and told them not to laugh, that this was serious.

Yes, another serious disaster for the comedian.

The Seinfeld Curse?

Trouble in Paradise?

Well, it's not exactly paradise.

When the Eclectic Guy gets out every blue moon, on the rare occasion when the evening might include cocktails, he likes to go the Vandalia in Charleston. Ok, I recognize the pretensions of the joint and it ain't cheap and the music gets a bit monotonous, but hell, where can an old guy go? The Red Carpet Lounge?

From the Gazette:

Downtown nightspot closes abruptly Vandalia closes for
management change, majority owner says
Joe MorrisStaff writer
The Vandalia Lounge closed abruptly on Thursday for what its owner calls a management reorganization.

New thought: after scratching our heads over this one last night, one burning question remained. Why would a money making business close its doors on a Thursday night right before the holiday season? What business sense does that make. I don't mean to stir up trouble, but something is wrong in Vandalia land and we don't believe that this is the whole story. This certainly is none of our business and the real reason may never be revealed, but curiosity remains.

Majority owner Virgil Sadorra said the downtown bar at 212 Hale St. would be out of business for at least two weeks, but possibly longer, while a new management team learns the ropes.
Sadorra said he regretted having to close with the holidays coming up and the hardship that the closure would cause Vandalia’s employees.

“I feel bad for our servers and our regulars,” he said. “But I didn’t want to put a Band-aid on our problems.”

Sadorra would not comment on the problems that led to the closure except to say it was a mutual decision reached with Vandalia manager Pierre Charbonniez, a minority owner of the bar who is also Sadorra’s brother-in-law.
Charbonniez could not be reached for comment on Thursday.

“We need to step back and focus on the direction for the new year and develop a stronger management team,” Sadorra said.

Vandalia opened in September 2004 and quickly became a popular nightspot. Weekend nights tended to be standing room only, and Gov. Joe Manchin and first lady Gayle Manchin could occasionally be found there.

It pitched itself toward an upscale crowd, selling specialty martinis and enforcing a no-T-shirt dress code for men.

Sadorra owns Cilantros, a Tex-Mex restaurant downtown, and is working on opening two other restaurants in Charleston as well as another upscale bar.

Last month, he announced on his Web site that Vandalia would be adding a kitchen in order to start selling tapas dishes, or Spanish-themed appetizers, around the first of the new year.
On the Web: http://www.delish/
menuzine.com
To contact staff writer Joe Morris, use e-mail or call 348-5179.

Christopher Guest making another film

http://www.nytimes.com/2006/11/12/magazine/12guest.html?ex=1164085200&en=8a9f1b384423e121&ei=5070&emc=eta1

I had heard that Christopher Guest was up to something. A friend of mine sent me this link to the NY Times.

"Er....do I call you Nigel or Corky...or???"

Perhaps another reason dislike James Taylor? A small nugget from the above:

"It is that whimsy, tempered only by the insistence of human nature to exert itself, that characterizes Guest’s films, which are a departure from his baser beginnings in comedy. In a skit in “National Lampoon’s Lemmings,” he appeared as James Taylor and sang: “Farewell New York City/With your streets that flash like strobes/Farewell Carolina/Where I left my frontal lobes.”
He winced at the mention. “James Taylor came to the show with Carly Simon, and she was laughing and he wasn’t,” he said."

It goes on to say that Guest was a fan of Taylor. For me, if you can't laugh at yourself, then you become a joke.

Joseph Arthur interview just completed

Well, it's Monday, November 6th. I am still buzzing from talking to Joseph Arthur. If you don't know this guy yet, check out his website.

After some bumps which are unavoidable (the guy was AT a gig, in a small room in the basement,when I talked to him), we finally got to chat at length. The results? I could say surprising, even sublime, but I'll leave that to you.

Arthur is a creative guy. Creativity seems to flow from him. His answers were direct and a few threw me off my path. I have learned that that is a good thing. The interviewer has to abandon the plan for improvisations. Follow the flow. Just like music. You'll hear some surprising stories, even one about West Virginia.

So, stay tuned for updates.

KLS Has Struck Again

Kathie Lee tearfully begs:
"KLS, it's becoming more of a problem everyday. And folks, with your help, we can conquer this disease in our lifetimes. Then again, it's named after me, so doesn't that make it ok?"
No, Kathie Lee, it doesn't.

Kathie Lee Syndrome is when celebrities take themselves way too seriously and then begin to become self-appointed authorities on politics and other hot topics. KLS has struck the likes of Rosie O'Donnell (Remember the gun control hose job with Tom Selleck? Painful, but I couldn't look away.), George Clooney and a multitude of Hollywooders all making a point of subjecting everyone to their golden and profound opinion on the "issues." Why, because you are a talk show host/movie star/rock icon and you have an enthusiastic audience/fanbase, do you assume you now to try to influence public opinion by bullying everyone within media-shot with your overzealous opinion? Aren't entertainers supposed to entertain us?

Case in point: The Divine Miss B.

KLS has caused headlines again. And again. And then again.

Everyone not living under a rock knows Barbara Steisand's opinion of the Bush administration. Hell, I am beginning to see what all the Dems and Liberals are hollering about now, but Babs just can't leave it alone.
Why must she inject her rabid political opinions into her concert? Isn't this a concert not a political rally? And because she is a star, how does this make her an authority on political issues?

Eclectic Guy, I smell hypocrisy. Doesn't your beloved Peter Gabriel make political statements all the time??? Yes, you've got me, place the handcuffs on me now, guv. You've got me banged to rights.

Peter Gabriel has made political statements from the stage. Indeed he has, but they have always been about a specific abuse (the murder of Steven Biko, Apartheid, wars and famine in African nations) and showed no political party bias-at least none that this American can see.

When Amnesty International was doing concerts condemning the evils of Aparthied and other human rights abuses, where was Miss "Like Butter" then? What about Live Aid? What about aid to Africa concerts? What, no Queen o' Manhattan then? Call me cynical, but I think that most people who enter into the grand politics public mouth frothing that vehemently really don't care about the people that are affected by them, but it's more like rooting for your favorite sports team. They're not wearing your team's jersey, so let the ranting begin.

At a recent event, some unhappy ("angry" was a term used in the press release) concert goer threw a cup of liquid at NY's premiere prima donna after a skit that made fun of our beloved President.
From Yahoo news-
"Streisand's publicist, Dick Guttman, said a paper cup filled with some sort of liquid was thrown on stage but apparently did not hit Streisand during her second performance in this Fort Lauderdale suburb."

"It's at least the third time the skit, which includes a George W. Bush impersonator, has angered Streisand's audience. A heckler targeted her at the Philadelphia opening of her 20-city comeback tour (Come back from where? Her spacious, multi-million dollar Manhattan home? The Queen of New York? It was a self-imposed musical exile, yes? Babs has immense performance anxiety and choses to perform or not.) , Guttman said, and Streisand made headlines with her response to a jeerer at Madison Square Garden last month." (Who dares to jeer the Queen? Off with his head! This is Babs, baby. Who are you to question her authority? And during her show? The person should have been forced to watch The Mirror Has Two Faces as punishment.)

"Erlichman said Streisand, 64, believed the skit was in good fun and noted impersonator Steve Bridges, who wrote it, is a Republican."
(Proving what? The Pubs have a sense of humor? Could have fooled me. It's a ridiculous statement that clutches for straw. Babs needs no defense because she has a right to make an ass of herself in public if she wants, just as every celebrity does. More entertainment for us. Everyone wins the way I see it.)

"This skit has been so massively covered by media, it's impossible that it still could come as a surprise to any of the Bush admirers who bought tickets," Erlichman said."
(Anyone who bought a ticket should not be allowed to vote the way I see it. If you have such appalling taste in music and performers, then your choice of candidates is probably just as bad.)

Despite the controversy, Erlichman said the skit would remain a part of the tour. (Translation: Because the Queen of Streisland wills it so.)

Streisand, an outspoken liberal (Really? I hadn't noticed.), is touring the country after a 12-year absence from the stage (As previously stated, she's petrified about live performance. I have a deep appreciation of this, but she once tore up $40,000 dollars worth of carpeting at a venue because the sound wasn't right to her. That could have helped a lot of people, but the Queen was not happy, so money to burn is money to waste. She is a horrible woman used to getting her way.)

"...offering fans a repertoire of her four decades of hits." OH boy! Can't wait for that!

Your Fifteen Minutes Are Over

I've had it. I know I can't make these people or programs disappear from the media swirl, but this is more of a hope than a plea.

Your fifteen minutes of fame are over. Please start moving towards the exits.

1. Nancy Grace Please get this bully off the airwaves as soon as possible. This woman cannot see any other perspective other than her own and if anyone objects to her narrowmindedness, she interupts them until they finally shut down. She is always on the side of the prosecution no matter the evidence. Some have even suggested she caused the suicide of Melinda Duckett:
NBC News Sept. 15, 2006 — "Former prosecutor turned talk show host Nancy Grace is unapologetic about her aggressive approach to a mother who committed suicide after an interview about the woman's missing son. "

While I believe that Grace is not responsible, she was as hateful and vindictive as I have ever seen her during that interview. Hateful and vindictive seems to her normal way of speaking to anyone anymore. There was a time, before she began her spiral, that she at least could muster some sympathy from this viewer.
She is taking it all so personally, as if these outrageous wrongs were being done to her. She wears the tragic murder of her fiancé almost as a badge of honor, giving her sovereign authority to condemn the accused and impunity when her accusations go unrewarded by a jury. She seems intent on righting that wrong by publicly "convicting" any and all accused.
Ken Fox of TV Guide agrees. Stephen King agrees.
Whatever is going on beneath that starched blonde German helmet of a hairstyle, I hope she will stop taking herself so seriously as the Grand Inquisitor of the Universe. Please, lady, you're a talking head worried more about ratings that human beings.

2. Bill O'Reilly When you really believe that everything you think or say is right and everyone else is a buffoon, then the exits are calling.
Big Bill doesn't give a smudge about the issues, the players or the people, he cares only about his opinion. What's the point? Is this a news show? Hardly. Call it the Bill and Baloney show.

Yes, Bill, you are a big blowhard, and you are so right about everything, so how about a nice long fishing trip? Big bloated Bill doesn't listen to his guests, they are merely filler between his next pearls of wisdom. He lets guests have the final word, but even the slick professional polish cannot hide his smug superiority. Checkout time is now.
Another mediahead takes themselves way too seriously and becomes a joke.

3. Grafitti Seriously, I remember when Michael Lipton started this rag back in the day. Yes, the mag had its detractors and its fans (just like its editor, yes?), but at least the magazine had some character, funny stories, and you could find out what bands were playing over the weekend. Now, you can still find out what bands are playing, but little else is worth looking at. And what's with all the trashy photos?
This is worthless. Come back, Lipton-all is forgiven. We'll even take back your snide editorial remarks. Please?

4. Oprah Yes, Oprah worked hard to get to be the Queen of All Media, but the fact that so many people take her so seriously is downright frightening to me. Oprah reads a book and her minions scurry to read it. Oprah is a TV personality, not an English Lit professor. Yet her power can make or break a career in a matter of minutes.
Cross her and you'll be sorry: Jonathan Frazen ran his mouth too much. In the end, he was punished: "Whatever it was, Winfrey took the hint. On Monday, she announced, "Jonathan Franzen will not be on the Oprah Winfrey show because he is seemingly uncomfortable and conflicted about being chosen as a book club selection. It is never my intention to make anyone uncomfortable or cause anyone conflict. We have decided to skip the dinner and we're moving on to the next book."
Then there was the James Frey incident.
Baby, you might be the Queen, but even your slick publicists did not protect you from the hosing you got to your credibility. The Big O gave Frey a spanking and he had to dance a big mea culpa to avoid the public execution she had planned for him in Times Square.

"Oprah: James Frey is here and I have to say it is difficult for me to talk to you because I feel really duped." Yes, honey, you were because you believed in your own power.
Oprah got what all media types eventually get when they start to believe their own press. It should be called the Kathy Lee Syndrome.

Exit quietly now and enter the world of anonymous philanthropy. Take those tax write-offs where you can, baby.

5. Saturday Night Live This show has long past its due date. SNL used to be an event and once was a potent, influential show inspiring a whole generation (mine) to be as smartmouthed as the cutting-edge comedy that was brought to us every weekend. It was funny, original, progressive and full of relevant social satire.
Now, this show as is would not even make it past the pilot. The exits are marked in red. Go thee quietly. You did a good thing for many years. Leave your legacy untainted.

6. John Mayer He doesn't seem like a bad guy, the music isn't awful and he has not committed some egomanical media stupidities like the above mediaheads, so why do I include this young lad among the vultures? In truth, I hate to pick on him, but this has been bothering me.
My question is simple: why did he get a recording contract? It is not a question of age speaking here when I say that I can not discern one word that comes out of his mouth when he sings. It is mush to my ears. The singing is marginal at best. More like speak-sing to my jaded ears.

Then I hear about how well the guy plays the guitar. Huh? It is dull and predictable. I remember teaching in high school in the early 80's and hearing a kid so talented on the guitar that it made me evaluate why I was even studying music. That guy later struggled to even get noticed in Nashville and ended up disillusioned, joining the Navy and quitting the guitar for many years. Is that fair? And neither is life, so....

There are thousands of far more talented and deserving artists, why does this kid get attention? He got a guest spot on CSI. We watched it and we both turned to each other and said, "What? What was that?"

Long ago I stopped getting upset about why the truly talented and the innovative are routinely ignored by record companies and the general public. Let's face it: most of the record buying public are totally in the dark and have neither an ear nor a love of music and hence the sales of such artists skyrocket, while the deserving must toil. My generation is as guilty as the next in this regard. Somebody bought all those disco records, just as the mystifying sales of all things Britney or Hillary or...add the current flavor of the week.

John, it's been a good ride. Now, step aside and keep moving towards that little red sign above that doorway over there, ok?

7. Geraldo This is too easy. Mr. Swoop In For the Glory has been ready for last curtain call for decades, but I doubt we'll see that soon.
Here Geraldo is thankful he still has friends in high places that allow him to go over to Iraq and give away the positions of our troops to our enemies. Or perhaps to visit the Sago Mine and add his mighty offer of condolences. What was he doing there anyway?

How about that quick face splash for the Katrina victims? Tearfully loading children onto helicopters, Geraldo got the big photo op he wanted and like all the others, followed the spotlight to the next hot story.

Exit now and maybe a hundred years from now no one will remember the Capone vault slicky slide down into shameful journalism. And just maybe, history will remember the piece you did about the treatment of the mentally ill you did so many years ago before you fell victim to your own vanity.

8. Hillary-Paris-Nicole-Lohan-Tara Ad Nauseum

"And all of this fills my aching head
I hate this space, the luxury hotel bed.
Oh dear, oh me-oh-my
Got to concentrate just to keep from trying
Oh dear, oh me-oh-my
Got to concentrate just to keep from trying"
-Lyrics by David Sylvian

From moment these people were born, these vultures had one destiny: to be famous at any cost. Despite the vapid music, idiotic films and public displays of outrageous behavior, these little silver spoon, bratty Velociraptors will keep on doing whatever their publicists say to keep them in the limelight.

Why don't they ever just shine brightly, ignite and then disappear from our TV sets or theaters? Why doesn't shame ever figure into the equation? Where is good taste?
Ah, hell...who am I trying to kid? That never figures into it.

Listen, please, through that door marked Exit, there's a fabulous sale on Prada, ok? Seriously. Load up while you can. Take care.

9. David Caruso The Eclectic Guy household is filled with television viewing. The Eclectic Wife keeps abreast of what new shows are coming and when old favorites are showing and handles all the recording of such things. I am too dangerous of a techno-idiot to handle these duties and she wouldn't let me handle these matters for all the coffee in Brazil.

We both started watching CSI Miami. Somewhere along the way, I lost interest in this series. The stories are predictable and the cast are all expressionless to me, especially David Caruso. Each week, Mr. Keebler Elf takes his sunglasses off, holds them as butch as he can, then puts them back on and this is called acting? Or acting technique number two: with arms akimbo, he looks at the ground, looks back up and then mutters something like, "Then he'll be on my playground. (macho squint pause) And recess is over."

Some actors can make believe the Tough Guy. Caruso looks like he'd be more comfortable discussing fabrics on the Christopher Lowell show.

You've had a good run, NYPD Blue, but now it's time to say adieu.

10. Duncing With the Stars Look, I know this is an easy fight to win. No one is saying that this show is not fluff, but even host Tom Bergeron looks like he is having trouble keeping a straight face getting through this one. I have immense respect for the art of dance and the pros on this show are a pleasure to watch, but Jerry Springer? Who's next, Connie Chung?

I suggest that they beef up the amateur dance list with a few special guests, like Richard Ramirez. The Night Stalker could give us his best serial killer samba, in handcuffs and leg irons of course. Don't forget we will need a full SWAT team in matching ruffled shirts.
Or how about runaway bride Jennifer Wilbanks? Can't you just see the mounting pressure making her more and more squirrely each week until she does the inevitable Houdini? And the costume??? Well....something simple, just to "veil" the face.

Beef up the interest or sign off now, because "Duncing", you are justifying every snide remark about TV being a wasteland.

11. Jennifer Love Hewitt Jen-Jen, you've done forgettable movies, a TV show so derivative and unoriginal I'm surprised that any writer would put their real name in the credits, and you have even been so vain as to release some hideously vapid pop music. Sales have been dismal for all music releases. That should have been a clue to stop, but no, you continue. What is it with actors and singing? And vice versa?

Her acting range is this: Anger-knit eyebrows. Scared: open mouth and scream. Otherwise, all other emotions are covered with a blank look (probably thinking about her next hair color) or a smile. You tried and you got further than most girls who dream of stardom. Do the decent thing now, luv, and exit stage right.

Yes, the ghosts are whispering and if you lean really close to them they are saying, so softly......pleeeasssseee gooooooooooo.......


For now, this is my list of expendables. I'm sure more are coming.