Some believe that everything is predestined in your life. I think we only impose order on our past which is a random series of events. We see a path of destiny helped by invisible hands. As much as I want to believe that, there are parts of me that remain a realist.
The sudden passing of my father changed everything. The family spiraled for a while until my mom realized she couldn't manage two maniac growing boys by herself and so she got remarried. Long story short, we moved to West Virginia.
When I visited West Virginia to get used to what would become my new home, I thought I had gone to some southern paradise. The mountains were intoxicating for a kid spent looking at "rolling hills." The people acted differently, the accent was alien but charming and the girls were, quite frankly, friendly and open.
I heard this new speech when I was ordering at Long John Silvers with my step-dad. The girl behind the counter spoke in a way that was so very foreign to me. I have many 'Burgers (Pittsburgh) in my family and the whole rural Pa way of speaking was in my ear and this sounded more like music. Vowel sounds were drawn out, single syllable words could become two or three syllables. "Jeff" became "Jay-eff." for example.
Get to the Hot Stuff, OK?
Actually, this is no tell-all (how dull that would be) and I offer no names (unless they are so ancient it is irrelevant) or intimate details. The Internet is not place for details which could come back to bite my ass. Besides, you gotta be cool, right?
Hell's bells, boys, let's move on.
When I found that a very cute girl was living right next door to me, I could have come out of my skin. Coming out of my skin around the opposite sex was pretty much my M.O. I had zero game.
What I was beginning to discover was the girl who called me ugly back in grade school held an opinion that was contrary to the girls in West Virginia. I was "cute" and even though I didn't believe it, had no maturity to act on it, there was evidence.
Two houses down was a sweet girl whom I shall just call M. M was a tall, lanky, sort-of-awkward girl who had a liking for this lad of tender years. I used to hang out down at her house so much that I knew all her family. The grouchy, mostly silent father, her stuttering brother, her baby sister and her mother, who was the Rosanne Barr of the neighborhood. Her mom was one of the most colorful people I have ever met. Her personality was big, bold, colorful and sarcastic.
M taught me the inequity of attraction, that is, the other person is not drawn to us.She had the all too telling signs when someone has a crush on you: the endless smiles, the laughing at every joke however weak and stupid, the undivided attention. I recognized that when someone has it for you, you hold power over them.
M and I were just innocent kids. We never even kissed.
Terry was a girl who had a reputation for sleeping around. I don't know if this was true, but I was kind of in awe of her nevertheless. She was older than us and she did have a direct sexuality about her. Remember, I'm an awkward virgin with nuclear hormones at this point and no social skills.
One hot summer, I remember smoking some tobacco with her on the river bank. Then we took turns "shotgunning" each other, which lead to some kissing. Some kissing lead to some other more steamier things which lead me to come near out of my tree in lust. It's hot, it's summer time, we're wearing few clothes as it is and we're higher than kites on love. Ahem..
At one point, I got so frustrated that I just got silent. She asked what was wrong and I said that I wanted to proceed further. "If you tell me you love me, I'll let you do it," was her succinct reply. But, hell, I didn't love her. I didn't know what the fuck love was, let alone tell a girl you actually love her!
By all that is true, I couldn't muster up the words, even for my first experience of heaven. I can't stand back now, all Wordsworth-like, and declare this a time of innocence and a coming of age story. Hell's bells, I wanted a girlfriend in the worst way. This was lust, so why didn't I just lie and embrace love's opportunity?
Beats the hell out of me. I must have had morals.
Next: Don't Stand So Close
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