Friday, March 22, 2013

What Dreams May Dumb

"I had a dream about you, baby
A dream about you, baby"

"Give sorrow words: the grief that does not speak
Whispers the o'er-fraught heart, and bids it break."

This may be one of those posts where people tell me, "I am looking into your soul." Please, I have no soul; at least none that I can detect.

Last night, I had a dream about an old college love. Succinct and sweet, but as with all romantic dreams, it bears no relationship to logic, but to matters of the heart.

The dream was this:
In a classroom, I saw her. We were both avoiding each other. She then approached me and while keeping her eyes averted and her face hidden, she handed me a very small porcelain disc. It was like a coffee saucer and it had some words painted on it. Evidently it was an award she had won. I said something like, "Congratulations. That's great," and then kissed her left cheek. Then I kissed her lips and then her right cheek.

That kiss reminded me why I had fallen so crazy for her many years ago.

 When I woke up, that old haunting feeling was back. No chastisement, I just accepted it. Dreams are wild things, unbidden absurdities and buried truths that we suppress in daylight hours. I had thought that these feelings were long shelved and condemned to history. Evidently not.

The delicate pangs of wanting someone when
they reciprocate not. Nice.
But does this represent a subconscious desire?

 Maybe. The beautiful daylight today reminded me of passions long ago, but it also serves to separate emotion from fact. This amourous episode was one of the hardest things I've ever had to deal with. Fucking hell. Of how the excitement built until our first kiss and then the painful and destructive havoc of separating a mere eight months later. Due to circumstance, ours was never going to be a healthy and real relationship. It got worse and worse as she slowly pulled away. She made it worse by denying it at first and then lying about her relationship with another man.

 Ah, love. People attribute sarcasm to my demeanor. No fucking wonder.

Dreams like these remind us of our childlike desire to have painful events into perspective; to peer into chaos and find pattern. Or to use a contemporary cliche, closure. Personally, I don't believe in the word closure. Accepted indifference by negligence? Sure. Time doesn't heal anything, it just gives us some distance between today and the pain of yesterdays. There is no closure. We bear up and we live with it.

When you break up with someone on campus, it's not like you're never going to see them again. After some time had passed (and my blinding anger subsided), I let sentiment rule my judgment and talked to her on a few occasions. It felt very awkward with her fake cheerfulness and her acting like we were beginning with a clean slate. Sincerity and honesty were not her strong suits. She was a master of evasion, obfuscation and I believe that she had some serious issues. I pity the poor bastards who followed me.
 
I wanted to go beneath her bullshit and find out many "whys?" This was not going to happen. In the end, as  painful as it was and as uncommunicative as she was, I had to let go of it all. It took a long time.

Evidently, not long enough.  
 

3 comments:

keyur said...

Your post is awesome..

handbag insurance said...

I love this phase "Dreams like these remind us of our childlike desire to have painful events into perspective; to peer into chaos and find pattern"

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